A Letter to You.

To the most beautiful little girl I know, I write this to you.

Always be who you are. Never be embarrassed to be eccentric. Never shy away from being instinctively who you were born to be.

Be loud. Sing at the top of your lungs. Dance when there's no music. Be clumsy. Always allow yourself to cry. And laugh. Laughing is so important and your laugh is the most infectious.

Wear whatever you want even if it doesn't match. Wear bikinis in November. Put your hat on sideways. Wear two different shoes. Be a princess or a doctor.

Read, a lot. Read for pleasure more than knowledge. Let your imagination run wild. Put on shows. Play with dolls until you're 15 if you want. Sleep with stuffed animals and do silky until you're old and grey.

Lick the ranch dressing off your carrots if that pleases your palette. Eat only everything bagels with butter for breakfast. Still have your chocolate milk every night before bed.

It's ok to have a fat belly, a fat butt and even a big fat mouth. It's ok to be scared of the dark. Wear as much makeup as you'd like and take the longest warmest showers.

Never apologize for who you are. You are you and that is the only person you should be.

You can be whatever you want. You can see as many or as little places in this world as you want. Drive whatever car you want, hold whatever job you want, and love whomever you want.

We will always love you for being you. Our love comes without conditions or boundaries. We will always let you know how proud we are of you.

And I say all of this because, on the verge of turning 30, I'm not ok with who I am. I've starved and stuffed myself into molds that aren't meant for me. I've waited to be told that it's ok to be myself because I'm loved anyway. I've waited to be told I'm good enough. I've waited for validation. I've waited for someone else to determine my happiness, my worth. I want more for you.

I promise to give to you and be for you all the things my life has lacked.

Your soul and my soul..

xx

(Unexpectedly) Becoming a Parent.

Not in the "Oops!" kind of way.

In the way that my sister has a massive issue and is not currently present, leaving my mom and me to pick up her slack as a parent (and I call her a parent loosely as she has been in and out of my niece's life since birth).

When she is here she is good. She hasn't ever been in it 100% but she's made some effort. Thankfully my mom has custody.

But this time is different. This time has been the worst. And while my mom is frantically trying to save my sister I have been expected to stand in as "Mom."

I am seldom asked to pitch in, watch my niece, take her to ballet, bathe her or feed her. My overzealous nature to want to help has put me in the position where it is now expected of me.

This is not to say my mom is not playing an active role at all. She is. But I feel as though my life has been hit by a tornado in the name of Reilly.

I love my niece dearly and we have definitely formed a stronger bond these last few weeks. She needs someone to look to for comfort, for attention, for care, someone who won't leave her feeling abandoned. Kiki to the rescue!

This is not the way I intended my life to go. I never wanted kids and here I am raising one. Let me tell you raising a child that isn't your own is tough stuff. Add in the emotional factors of what she is dealing with at the tiny tot age of four and some days I feel I am wrestling a bear. It can be impossible. And it leaves us both crying melted puddles on the bedroom floor.

Something I have had to come to terms with is that I have chosen this life, in this present moment. I may not have asked for it. I may never have seen it coming. And truth be told I don't have to do it. The thought that this innocent child has been through enough and is going through enough compelled me to do the only thing I knew to do: step up.

I'm finding that most people in my life don't understand that. Friends and family alike have left me feeling abandoned when I really need support the most. If I'd ever had my own kid would they have tossed me aside? Or is it the that because they don't/won't try to understand my situation in the slightest that they feel it's best to back off?

I can't get up and go the way I used to. Plans break. I fall asleep by 8:30pm. Saturday mornings are spent at ballet and getting a toddler ready for school in the morning means no late nights during the week. But when did my life become about pleasing anybody else?

Taking care of myself has become secondary. While I am still pushing myself toward accomplishing my goals in an effort to make a better life for myself, things like going out or even going to the gym have fallen by the wayside. I work two jobs and help to raise a child. I am about to enroll in school and possibly take on a third job. What more does the universe want from me?

I am by no means complaining. I don't know how to do this parenting thing. I never wanted to.

But when I hear that little pipsqueak voice calling out "Kiiiikiiiii!" I know what I am doing is right. And that makes it worth the sacrifices and the struggles.

D.A.

Have you any idea the fear that one of those shallow breaths may be the last?

"Fathers, be good to your daughters.."

This was inspired by a little girl and her daddy walking hand and hand and talking at the park, a dad and his daughter riding bikes, a dad strolling with his son, dads coaching and practicing softball with their girls... things I never experienced with my own father. Never underestimate the effect of strangers or the effect you may have on them.

For all the cradling you never did
The bike rides we never took
The hands we never held
The steps you never helped me take

For all the dinners never had
The dances never danced
The monsters under the bed you never scared away

And all the advice you never gave
And the busy weekends you couldn't make
The trips we never took
All the tears you never wiped

The congratulations never given
Never telling me you're proud
That aisle we'll never walk down
And the family name I won't pass on

Everything you never taught me
Yet everything I learned
The cracks in my heart
The mending you'll never make

All the pain throughout the years
Yet one night you held me tight
The understanding that you afforded
Come undone when all was said and done

The forgiveness I think I'm ready for
The empty pot in my hands

The "Daddy's Little Girl" picture frame
Telling, telling lies

I'll never be good enough in your eyes
And that sad little girl still lingers and cries at the window when we say goodbye