A Letter to You.

To the most beautiful little girl I know, I write this to you.

Always be who you are. Never be embarrassed to be eccentric. Never shy away from being instinctively who you were born to be.

Be loud. Sing at the top of your lungs. Dance when there's no music. Be clumsy. Always allow yourself to cry. And laugh. Laughing is so important and your laugh is the most infectious.

Wear whatever you want even if it doesn't match. Wear bikinis in November. Put your hat on sideways. Wear two different shoes. Be a princess or a doctor.

Read, a lot. Read for pleasure more than knowledge. Let your imagination run wild. Put on shows. Play with dolls until you're 15 if you want. Sleep with stuffed animals and do silky until you're old and grey.

Lick the ranch dressing off your carrots if that pleases your palette. Eat only everything bagels with butter for breakfast. Still have your chocolate milk every night before bed.

It's ok to have a fat belly, a fat butt and even a big fat mouth. It's ok to be scared of the dark. Wear as much makeup as you'd like and take the longest warmest showers.

Never apologize for who you are. You are you and that is the only person you should be.

You can be whatever you want. You can see as many or as little places in this world as you want. Drive whatever car you want, hold whatever job you want, and love whomever you want.

We will always love you for being you. Our love comes without conditions or boundaries. We will always let you know how proud we are of you.

And I say all of this because, on the verge of turning 30, I'm not ok with who I am. I've starved and stuffed myself into molds that aren't meant for me. I've waited to be told that it's ok to be myself because I'm loved anyway. I've waited to be told I'm good enough. I've waited for validation. I've waited for someone else to determine my happiness, my worth. I want more for you.

I promise to give to you and be for you all the things my life has lacked.

Your soul and my soul..

xx

Failure.

I told her I was afraid to fail

To which she replied, "But you haven't failed yet..."

Self discovery.

I once read a quote that insisted you can love your body and still want to change it. 

And I do agree. 

However, I'm not there yet.

Over the last two months I have really taken it easy on myself physically. I haven't carved out time for the gym and most days don't have the energy to do so anyway. Instead I decided to dip into yoga, taking on a 30 day yoga challenge at DoYouYoga.com.

Yoga is something I'd previously tried but sorely lacked patience for. Finally I felt ready.

Yoga coupled with a lot of reading on patience, self discovery, recovery, intuitive eating and meditation have been a sort of saving grace for me during this rough time in my life. I feel as though I am finally learning to take care of myself from the inside out.

And maybe I've 'let myself go' a bit at the waistline. I'm pretty ok with that. I like who I am on the inside. I don't run from her. I don't try to stuff her back into her cage. I am full of release and emotions and love.

These are emotions I locked out long ago. It's refreshing to experience feelings again.

Learning to accept myself inside out/outside in has been quite a journey and I know it's one that never ends. I'm ok with that.

Getting back into fitness on a healthy level will come back to me because I want it to. Not because I need to fit a mold or societal expectation. Not because I hate my body. Not to please anybody else. But because it's something I genuinely enjoy.

Right now though I'm on a slow ride - I call it the scenic route. It's comforting and less stressful when you take life one day at a time, when you experience each moment, when you stop sweating the small stuff.

A Girl Walks Into A Bar...

So a girl walks into a bar to see Butch Walker play.

She gets the surprise of her life when one of her best friends comes walking toward her.

And the night ends laughing and dancing in the streets of Asbury Park...

With Love...

After leaving a broken heart in New Orleans; 01/2008

I feel very much at peace today. With my life, the direction in which it is going, the past, and the world around me.

I feel a bit more settled. No longer anxious. No longer impatient.

Present.

This morning I woke up to a dear sweet little note from an old friend and it turned me into a bit of a nostalgic mush. I'm not sure why but it turned my focus toward one certain person. The person who made such an impact on my life.

The person who taught me to take risks and who taught me that love comes with no rules or boundaries. It is just as we want it to be, just as we feel it.

I am sending so much love his way today.

I am happy he is happy. I am happy he has found love and comfort and family in another person.

I hope our love inspired him the way it inspired me. To take risks and be exposed. To allow ourselves to be loved by someone in the way we deserve. And to fight for what we believe in.

I will never forget hopping on that plane and landing in your arms. It ultimately launched me toward being the person I am in this moment.

And this will forever be our song...

(Unexpectedly) Becoming a Parent.

Not in the "Oops!" kind of way.

In the way that my sister has a massive issue and is not currently present, leaving my mom and me to pick up her slack as a parent (and I call her a parent loosely as she has been in and out of my niece's life since birth).

When she is here she is good. She hasn't ever been in it 100% but she's made some effort. Thankfully my mom has custody.

But this time is different. This time has been the worst. And while my mom is frantically trying to save my sister I have been expected to stand in as "Mom."

I am seldom asked to pitch in, watch my niece, take her to ballet, bathe her or feed her. My overzealous nature to want to help has put me in the position where it is now expected of me.

This is not to say my mom is not playing an active role at all. She is. But I feel as though my life has been hit by a tornado in the name of Reilly.

I love my niece dearly and we have definitely formed a stronger bond these last few weeks. She needs someone to look to for comfort, for attention, for care, someone who won't leave her feeling abandoned. Kiki to the rescue!

This is not the way I intended my life to go. I never wanted kids and here I am raising one. Let me tell you raising a child that isn't your own is tough stuff. Add in the emotional factors of what she is dealing with at the tiny tot age of four and some days I feel I am wrestling a bear. It can be impossible. And it leaves us both crying melted puddles on the bedroom floor.

Something I have had to come to terms with is that I have chosen this life, in this present moment. I may not have asked for it. I may never have seen it coming. And truth be told I don't have to do it. The thought that this innocent child has been through enough and is going through enough compelled me to do the only thing I knew to do: step up.

I'm finding that most people in my life don't understand that. Friends and family alike have left me feeling abandoned when I really need support the most. If I'd ever had my own kid would they have tossed me aside? Or is it the that because they don't/won't try to understand my situation in the slightest that they feel it's best to back off?

I can't get up and go the way I used to. Plans break. I fall asleep by 8:30pm. Saturday mornings are spent at ballet and getting a toddler ready for school in the morning means no late nights during the week. But when did my life become about pleasing anybody else?

Taking care of myself has become secondary. While I am still pushing myself toward accomplishing my goals in an effort to make a better life for myself, things like going out or even going to the gym have fallen by the wayside. I work two jobs and help to raise a child. I am about to enroll in school and possibly take on a third job. What more does the universe want from me?

I am by no means complaining. I don't know how to do this parenting thing. I never wanted to.

But when I hear that little pipsqueak voice calling out "Kiiiikiiiii!" I know what I am doing is right. And that makes it worth the sacrifices and the struggles.

In these moments....

I had a weak moment yesterday.

I feel as though I'm having a lot of them lately.

And in these moments I am tempted by the sweet serenade of ED. Strumming along to my heart's desires. Telling me beautiful lies.

And in these moments I lick my lips in anticipation of the taste of ED. Oh, how I miss the painful bliss of of disease.

But then the angel on my shoulder rescues me. Reminds me that I am being pulled back over the edge by a love so strong, so mighty. A love worth fighting for. Worth living for.

And so I weep away the memories of ED. I long for the powerful feeling of starvation, dedication, servitude. I long for a self hatred so strong.

But the plate's been taken away from me and there is no going back.

D.A.

Have you any idea the fear that one of those shallow breaths may be the last?

9.17.13

I'm tired of this struggle

I miss the comfort of my ED

I know it was poisonous

But it never let me down

It wasn't a struggle to stay

It always was

I need that

I miss the comfort of my ED

I miss my ED

Thank you, body.

I was really inspired by this photo from Libero Network.

Written 9.4.13:

So I've had a slight binge today. I feel hungry. My boobs are sore (finally a period perhaps?!?). And truthfully I'm ok with it. Honest to goodness ok with it. I've been gentle with myself. Yes saying "Maybe I shouldn't" but that's because I know I'll feel like crap in the morning. That's what's keeping me from the ice cream and two frozen cake balls!

Then while straightening my hair I began to think over an idea I'd seen online. The body is not permanent. I will take on various shapes and sizes in my lifetime. It already has! Nothing about the body is really permanent. It all regenerates every so many years...

Some years I'll be more squishy. Others maybe not so much. How I cover it or don't cover it will change with my tastes in fashion (or lack thereof!). Each shape, inch, dimple, and stretch mark will tell a story. A story of survival, of family, of pain, of love. Every last bit of me is a piece of someone else's story. My general presence, and not the presence of my shape, will be remembered. They'll remember my laugh, my eyes, how I told the same story over again as if it were new. They will remember my warmth, my spunk, how I made them think and feel.

I will be remembered for all that I am and for all that I invoke. By my spiritual self.

I will not be remembered as a form. I am much more than that. I am a presence. I am a force. I am more than what can be seen with the naked eye.

We are all so temporary. The physical is all so temporary. Ever changing. What a beautiful thing.

And I know I am not my body. I am not my physical being. The sight you see before you.

I am a feeling.

Sometimes..

From April 2012 but still relevant...

Sometimes I miss you, ED.
Sometimes I miss the cold of the floor.

Sometimes I miss the pain of restriction.

Sometimes I miss the bones and the skin.

Sometimes I miss the satisfactory tears.

Sometimes I miss the suffering.

Sometimes I miss the fatigue.

Sometimes I miss not being able to walk.

Sometimes I miss seeing how obsessive I’d become.

Sometimes I miss writing so little and seeing so much less.

Sometimes I miss that number on the scale.

Sometimes I miss striving for perfection.

Sometimes I miss you, ED.

Sometimes I feel like you abandoned me which only makes me suffer more.

Sometimes I feel like I need you but I call out to you and you’re not there.

Sometimes I feel like you've been replaced with gluttony as punishment for trying to get over you.

Sometimes I want to scream at you.

Sometimes I want to call out to you in the night. Come back.

Sometimes I think I can’t live without you.

Sometimes I think I can’t live at all.

"Fathers, be good to your daughters.."

This was inspired by a little girl and her daddy walking hand and hand and talking at the park, a dad and his daughter riding bikes, a dad strolling with his son, dads coaching and practicing softball with their girls... things I never experienced with my own father. Never underestimate the effect of strangers or the effect you may have on them.

For all the cradling you never did
The bike rides we never took
The hands we never held
The steps you never helped me take

For all the dinners never had
The dances never danced
The monsters under the bed you never scared away

And all the advice you never gave
And the busy weekends you couldn't make
The trips we never took
All the tears you never wiped

The congratulations never given
Never telling me you're proud
That aisle we'll never walk down
And the family name I won't pass on

Everything you never taught me
Yet everything I learned
The cracks in my heart
The mending you'll never make

All the pain throughout the years
Yet one night you held me tight
The understanding that you afforded
Come undone when all was said and done

The forgiveness I think I'm ready for
The empty pot in my hands

The "Daddy's Little Girl" picture frame
Telling, telling lies

I'll never be good enough in your eyes
And that sad little girl still lingers and cries at the window when we say goodbye

Home is where the heart is. Inside of you.

I don't want to be subdued anymore. For too long I stifled myself. It's my own fault. I didn't want to stand out or be noticed. So I became more cookie cutter. I blended in. I did my best to become invisible. I lost myself.

And it's not that I want to be "seen" now. I want to be me. I want to wear what I want to wear and be comfortable in it, not worrying what someone else may think. This is who I am. I want to let that girl out.

I won't silence myself any longer. I won't stuff myself into a mold in which I do not fit. I dare to be "different" - even though we are all different. I dare to stand out in a crowd. I dare to be my own size, wear my hair however I want to, and parade around with the utmost confidence I can muster. I may even dare people to turn in my direction, wondering who I am and what I'm all about.

Because that's who I am deep down, God damnit. I was never one for fitting in.

I spent too much time feeling as though I didn't belong and my efforts to do so got me nowhere.

Now I see I don't need to belong anywhere. I just need to be me. Truly and fully.

I need to be authentic to myself. The real real me.

I won't silence myself another day. Because my worth does not come from how I look or who people want me to be.

I am worthy just as I am. Little ol' me.