Self discovery.

I once read a quote that insisted you can love your body and still want to change it. 

And I do agree. 

However, I'm not there yet.

Over the last two months I have really taken it easy on myself physically. I haven't carved out time for the gym and most days don't have the energy to do so anyway. Instead I decided to dip into yoga, taking on a 30 day yoga challenge at DoYouYoga.com.

Yoga is something I'd previously tried but sorely lacked patience for. Finally I felt ready.

Yoga coupled with a lot of reading on patience, self discovery, recovery, intuitive eating and meditation have been a sort of saving grace for me during this rough time in my life. I feel as though I am finally learning to take care of myself from the inside out.

And maybe I've 'let myself go' a bit at the waistline. I'm pretty ok with that. I like who I am on the inside. I don't run from her. I don't try to stuff her back into her cage. I am full of release and emotions and love.

These are emotions I locked out long ago. It's refreshing to experience feelings again.

Learning to accept myself inside out/outside in has been quite a journey and I know it's one that never ends. I'm ok with that.

Getting back into fitness on a healthy level will come back to me because I want it to. Not because I need to fit a mold or societal expectation. Not because I hate my body. Not to please anybody else. But because it's something I genuinely enjoy.

Right now though I'm on a slow ride - I call it the scenic route. It's comforting and less stressful when you take life one day at a time, when you experience each moment, when you stop sweating the small stuff.

Thank you, body.

I was really inspired by this photo from Libero Network.

Written 9.4.13:

So I've had a slight binge today. I feel hungry. My boobs are sore (finally a period perhaps?!?). And truthfully I'm ok with it. Honest to goodness ok with it. I've been gentle with myself. Yes saying "Maybe I shouldn't" but that's because I know I'll feel like crap in the morning. That's what's keeping me from the ice cream and two frozen cake balls!

Then while straightening my hair I began to think over an idea I'd seen online. The body is not permanent. I will take on various shapes and sizes in my lifetime. It already has! Nothing about the body is really permanent. It all regenerates every so many years...

Some years I'll be more squishy. Others maybe not so much. How I cover it or don't cover it will change with my tastes in fashion (or lack thereof!). Each shape, inch, dimple, and stretch mark will tell a story. A story of survival, of family, of pain, of love. Every last bit of me is a piece of someone else's story. My general presence, and not the presence of my shape, will be remembered. They'll remember my laugh, my eyes, how I told the same story over again as if it were new. They will remember my warmth, my spunk, how I made them think and feel.

I will be remembered for all that I am and for all that I invoke. By my spiritual self.

I will not be remembered as a form. I am much more than that. I am a presence. I am a force. I am more than what can be seen with the naked eye.

We are all so temporary. The physical is all so temporary. Ever changing. What a beautiful thing.

And I know I am not my body. I am not my physical being. The sight you see before you.

I am a feeling.