Self discovery.

I once read a quote that insisted you can love your body and still want to change it. 

And I do agree. 

However, I'm not there yet.

Over the last two months I have really taken it easy on myself physically. I haven't carved out time for the gym and most days don't have the energy to do so anyway. Instead I decided to dip into yoga, taking on a 30 day yoga challenge at DoYouYoga.com.

Yoga is something I'd previously tried but sorely lacked patience for. Finally I felt ready.

Yoga coupled with a lot of reading on patience, self discovery, recovery, intuitive eating and meditation have been a sort of saving grace for me during this rough time in my life. I feel as though I am finally learning to take care of myself from the inside out.

And maybe I've 'let myself go' a bit at the waistline. I'm pretty ok with that. I like who I am on the inside. I don't run from her. I don't try to stuff her back into her cage. I am full of release and emotions and love.

These are emotions I locked out long ago. It's refreshing to experience feelings again.

Learning to accept myself inside out/outside in has been quite a journey and I know it's one that never ends. I'm ok with that.

Getting back into fitness on a healthy level will come back to me because I want it to. Not because I need to fit a mold or societal expectation. Not because I hate my body. Not to please anybody else. But because it's something I genuinely enjoy.

Right now though I'm on a slow ride - I call it the scenic route. It's comforting and less stressful when you take life one day at a time, when you experience each moment, when you stop sweating the small stuff.

Home is where the heart is. Inside of you.

I don't want to be subdued anymore. For too long I stifled myself. It's my own fault. I didn't want to stand out or be noticed. So I became more cookie cutter. I blended in. I did my best to become invisible. I lost myself.

And it's not that I want to be "seen" now. I want to be me. I want to wear what I want to wear and be comfortable in it, not worrying what someone else may think. This is who I am. I want to let that girl out.

I won't silence myself any longer. I won't stuff myself into a mold in which I do not fit. I dare to be "different" - even though we are all different. I dare to stand out in a crowd. I dare to be my own size, wear my hair however I want to, and parade around with the utmost confidence I can muster. I may even dare people to turn in my direction, wondering who I am and what I'm all about.

Because that's who I am deep down, God damnit. I was never one for fitting in.

I spent too much time feeling as though I didn't belong and my efforts to do so got me nowhere.

Now I see I don't need to belong anywhere. I just need to be me. Truly and fully.

I need to be authentic to myself. The real real me.

I won't silence myself another day. Because my worth does not come from how I look or who people want me to be.

I am worthy just as I am. Little ol' me.