D.A.

Have you any idea the fear that one of those shallow breaths may be the last?

9.17.13

I'm tired of this struggle

I miss the comfort of my ED

I know it was poisonous

But it never let me down

It wasn't a struggle to stay

It always was

I need that

I miss the comfort of my ED

I miss my ED

Thank you, body.

I was really inspired by this photo from Libero Network.

Written 9.4.13:

So I've had a slight binge today. I feel hungry. My boobs are sore (finally a period perhaps?!?). And truthfully I'm ok with it. Honest to goodness ok with it. I've been gentle with myself. Yes saying "Maybe I shouldn't" but that's because I know I'll feel like crap in the morning. That's what's keeping me from the ice cream and two frozen cake balls!

Then while straightening my hair I began to think over an idea I'd seen online. The body is not permanent. I will take on various shapes and sizes in my lifetime. It already has! Nothing about the body is really permanent. It all regenerates every so many years...

Some years I'll be more squishy. Others maybe not so much. How I cover it or don't cover it will change with my tastes in fashion (or lack thereof!). Each shape, inch, dimple, and stretch mark will tell a story. A story of survival, of family, of pain, of love. Every last bit of me is a piece of someone else's story. My general presence, and not the presence of my shape, will be remembered. They'll remember my laugh, my eyes, how I told the same story over again as if it were new. They will remember my warmth, my spunk, how I made them think and feel.

I will be remembered for all that I am and for all that I invoke. By my spiritual self.

I will not be remembered as a form. I am much more than that. I am a presence. I am a force. I am more than what can be seen with the naked eye.

We are all so temporary. The physical is all so temporary. Ever changing. What a beautiful thing.

And I know I am not my body. I am not my physical being. The sight you see before you.

I am a feeling.

Sometimes..

From April 2012 but still relevant...

Sometimes I miss you, ED.
Sometimes I miss the cold of the floor.

Sometimes I miss the pain of restriction.

Sometimes I miss the bones and the skin.

Sometimes I miss the satisfactory tears.

Sometimes I miss the suffering.

Sometimes I miss the fatigue.

Sometimes I miss not being able to walk.

Sometimes I miss seeing how obsessive I’d become.

Sometimes I miss writing so little and seeing so much less.

Sometimes I miss that number on the scale.

Sometimes I miss striving for perfection.

Sometimes I miss you, ED.

Sometimes I feel like you abandoned me which only makes me suffer more.

Sometimes I feel like I need you but I call out to you and you’re not there.

Sometimes I feel like you've been replaced with gluttony as punishment for trying to get over you.

Sometimes I want to scream at you.

Sometimes I want to call out to you in the night. Come back.

Sometimes I think I can’t live without you.

Sometimes I think I can’t live at all.

"Fathers, be good to your daughters.."

This was inspired by a little girl and her daddy walking hand and hand and talking at the park, a dad and his daughter riding bikes, a dad strolling with his son, dads coaching and practicing softball with their girls... things I never experienced with my own father. Never underestimate the effect of strangers or the effect you may have on them.

For all the cradling you never did
The bike rides we never took
The hands we never held
The steps you never helped me take

For all the dinners never had
The dances never danced
The monsters under the bed you never scared away

And all the advice you never gave
And the busy weekends you couldn't make
The trips we never took
All the tears you never wiped

The congratulations never given
Never telling me you're proud
That aisle we'll never walk down
And the family name I won't pass on

Everything you never taught me
Yet everything I learned
The cracks in my heart
The mending you'll never make

All the pain throughout the years
Yet one night you held me tight
The understanding that you afforded
Come undone when all was said and done

The forgiveness I think I'm ready for
The empty pot in my hands

The "Daddy's Little Girl" picture frame
Telling, telling lies

I'll never be good enough in your eyes
And that sad little girl still lingers and cries at the window when we say goodbye

Home is where the heart is. Inside of you.

I don't want to be subdued anymore. For too long I stifled myself. It's my own fault. I didn't want to stand out or be noticed. So I became more cookie cutter. I blended in. I did my best to become invisible. I lost myself.

And it's not that I want to be "seen" now. I want to be me. I want to wear what I want to wear and be comfortable in it, not worrying what someone else may think. This is who I am. I want to let that girl out.

I won't silence myself any longer. I won't stuff myself into a mold in which I do not fit. I dare to be "different" - even though we are all different. I dare to stand out in a crowd. I dare to be my own size, wear my hair however I want to, and parade around with the utmost confidence I can muster. I may even dare people to turn in my direction, wondering who I am and what I'm all about.

Because that's who I am deep down, God damnit. I was never one for fitting in.

I spent too much time feeling as though I didn't belong and my efforts to do so got me nowhere.

Now I see I don't need to belong anywhere. I just need to be me. Truly and fully.

I need to be authentic to myself. The real real me.

I won't silence myself another day. Because my worth does not come from how I look or who people want me to be.

I am worthy just as I am. Little ol' me.