Self discovery.

I once read a quote that insisted you can love your body and still want to change it. 

And I do agree. 

However, I'm not there yet.

Over the last two months I have really taken it easy on myself physically. I haven't carved out time for the gym and most days don't have the energy to do so anyway. Instead I decided to dip into yoga, taking on a 30 day yoga challenge at DoYouYoga.com.

Yoga is something I'd previously tried but sorely lacked patience for. Finally I felt ready.

Yoga coupled with a lot of reading on patience, self discovery, recovery, intuitive eating and meditation have been a sort of saving grace for me during this rough time in my life. I feel as though I am finally learning to take care of myself from the inside out.

And maybe I've 'let myself go' a bit at the waistline. I'm pretty ok with that. I like who I am on the inside. I don't run from her. I don't try to stuff her back into her cage. I am full of release and emotions and love.

These are emotions I locked out long ago. It's refreshing to experience feelings again.

Learning to accept myself inside out/outside in has been quite a journey and I know it's one that never ends. I'm ok with that.

Getting back into fitness on a healthy level will come back to me because I want it to. Not because I need to fit a mold or societal expectation. Not because I hate my body. Not to please anybody else. But because it's something I genuinely enjoy.

Right now though I'm on a slow ride - I call it the scenic route. It's comforting and less stressful when you take life one day at a time, when you experience each moment, when you stop sweating the small stuff.

In these moments....

I had a weak moment yesterday.

I feel as though I'm having a lot of them lately.

And in these moments I am tempted by the sweet serenade of ED. Strumming along to my heart's desires. Telling me beautiful lies.

And in these moments I lick my lips in anticipation of the taste of ED. Oh, how I miss the painful bliss of of disease.

But then the angel on my shoulder rescues me. Reminds me that I am being pulled back over the edge by a love so strong, so mighty. A love worth fighting for. Worth living for.

And so I weep away the memories of ED. I long for the powerful feeling of starvation, dedication, servitude. I long for a self hatred so strong.

But the plate's been taken away from me and there is no going back.