A Girl Walks Into A Bar...

So a girl walks into a bar to see Butch Walker play.

She gets the surprise of her life when one of her best friends comes walking toward her.

And the night ends laughing and dancing in the streets of Asbury Park...

With Love...

After leaving a broken heart in New Orleans; 01/2008

I feel very much at peace today. With my life, the direction in which it is going, the past, and the world around me.

I feel a bit more settled. No longer anxious. No longer impatient.

Present.

This morning I woke up to a dear sweet little note from an old friend and it turned me into a bit of a nostalgic mush. I'm not sure why but it turned my focus toward one certain person. The person who made such an impact on my life.

The person who taught me to take risks and who taught me that love comes with no rules or boundaries. It is just as we want it to be, just as we feel it.

I am sending so much love his way today.

I am happy he is happy. I am happy he has found love and comfort and family in another person.

I hope our love inspired him the way it inspired me. To take risks and be exposed. To allow ourselves to be loved by someone in the way we deserve. And to fight for what we believe in.

I will never forget hopping on that plane and landing in your arms. It ultimately launched me toward being the person I am in this moment.

And this will forever be our song...

(Unexpectedly) Becoming a Parent.

Not in the "Oops!" kind of way.

In the way that my sister has a massive issue and is not currently present, leaving my mom and me to pick up her slack as a parent (and I call her a parent loosely as she has been in and out of my niece's life since birth).

When she is here she is good. She hasn't ever been in it 100% but she's made some effort. Thankfully my mom has custody.

But this time is different. This time has been the worst. And while my mom is frantically trying to save my sister I have been expected to stand in as "Mom."

I am seldom asked to pitch in, watch my niece, take her to ballet, bathe her or feed her. My overzealous nature to want to help has put me in the position where it is now expected of me.

This is not to say my mom is not playing an active role at all. She is. But I feel as though my life has been hit by a tornado in the name of Reilly.

I love my niece dearly and we have definitely formed a stronger bond these last few weeks. She needs someone to look to for comfort, for attention, for care, someone who won't leave her feeling abandoned. Kiki to the rescue!

This is not the way I intended my life to go. I never wanted kids and here I am raising one. Let me tell you raising a child that isn't your own is tough stuff. Add in the emotional factors of what she is dealing with at the tiny tot age of four and some days I feel I am wrestling a bear. It can be impossible. And it leaves us both crying melted puddles on the bedroom floor.

Something I have had to come to terms with is that I have chosen this life, in this present moment. I may not have asked for it. I may never have seen it coming. And truth be told I don't have to do it. The thought that this innocent child has been through enough and is going through enough compelled me to do the only thing I knew to do: step up.

I'm finding that most people in my life don't understand that. Friends and family alike have left me feeling abandoned when I really need support the most. If I'd ever had my own kid would they have tossed me aside? Or is it the that because they don't/won't try to understand my situation in the slightest that they feel it's best to back off?

I can't get up and go the way I used to. Plans break. I fall asleep by 8:30pm. Saturday mornings are spent at ballet and getting a toddler ready for school in the morning means no late nights during the week. But when did my life become about pleasing anybody else?

Taking care of myself has become secondary. While I am still pushing myself toward accomplishing my goals in an effort to make a better life for myself, things like going out or even going to the gym have fallen by the wayside. I work two jobs and help to raise a child. I am about to enroll in school and possibly take on a third job. What more does the universe want from me?

I am by no means complaining. I don't know how to do this parenting thing. I never wanted to.

But when I hear that little pipsqueak voice calling out "Kiiiikiiiii!" I know what I am doing is right. And that makes it worth the sacrifices and the struggles.

In these moments....

I had a weak moment yesterday.

I feel as though I'm having a lot of them lately.

And in these moments I am tempted by the sweet serenade of ED. Strumming along to my heart's desires. Telling me beautiful lies.

And in these moments I lick my lips in anticipation of the taste of ED. Oh, how I miss the painful bliss of of disease.

But then the angel on my shoulder rescues me. Reminds me that I am being pulled back over the edge by a love so strong, so mighty. A love worth fighting for. Worth living for.

And so I weep away the memories of ED. I long for the powerful feeling of starvation, dedication, servitude. I long for a self hatred so strong.

But the plate's been taken away from me and there is no going back.